This is the rough start of a piece I needed to type out Saturday. It's written in the second person, though written from firsthand experience. I worked hard to keep the sex of the abuser and victim neutral for a reason. Abuse is an equal-opportunity power grab.
Rules for Living with an Abusive Partner:
1) You are worthless.
This will be established early on, as your partner will work very hard to show you how much more superior they are to you. They aim to prove to you that they are the expert, the final word, on every topic of importance. (That includes every topic. If you're tired, they are exhausted. If you're sick, they're suffering worse.) If there is a field in which you may be their equal, or even possibly superior, that field is useless, and you will be "strongly encouraged" to drop that portion of your life. One of those topics will be you, of course, and effort will be made to make sure you are aware of your lowly state, usually in the form of names that demean, berate or belittle you. If you should ever forget "your place", they will be ready to remind you, at length.
2) Your partner is in control, period.
You will be expected to conform to their world. If they do not approve of an activity, you will stop doing it. Your friends are worthless, and any interests you have that are not "shared" by your partner are a "waste of time". Your values system is what they declare it to be. Your hopes, dreams, or plans for the future might as well be taken out with the trash. Your possessions, not even your body, are truly yours, although theirs are exclusively theirs. Remember, when they're happy, you're happy. If they're not happy, no one's happy.
3) There will be many techniques used to control you.
Your partner may have a favorite one, but multiple power games will abound. You will be told not to talk about certain things, or be forbidden to use certain words, as a method of controlling your thoughts. Other times, words will be redefined as a means of either confusing you or to create deliberate miscommunication. Nagging may be used to emotionally wear you down. You might be the recipient of projection, where you are accused of doing what you've noticed your partner doing. The entire point of these techniques is to maintain the power imbalance, with you on the bottom.
4) It will always be your fault.
There will come a time when your partner is not happy. They have no personal responsibility, so they cannot be the cause of their unhappiness. It must be your fault. If you have a complaint about their behavior, you need to check your attitude. If you're lucky, they'll tell you what sin you've committed. If you're not lucky, you will be informed by the punishment you receive.
5) You will be punished.
Since the aggrieved party, which is never you, has the right to choose the punishment, it falls on you do to penance. You will be required to "fix" the problem, or "take your lumps", either verbally or, Heaven forbid, physically. This can be exacerbated if your partner has a legitimate grievance against you, for they will feel even more justified in the punishment.
6) You are never completely forgiven.
Even after completing penance, or having "taken your lumps", your "sin" will remain. Your partner will use it, again and again, as a reason to pummel you back into submission. It may even be used to create a mean nickname to reinforce your worthlessness.
7) This is a constant, though irregular, cycle.
There will be times when your partner is "content", and has no need to abuse you. They may even act as if they "love" you. What they are actually doing is waiting for an opportunity to exert their dominance over you. They are waiting for your next mistake, the next verbal slip, the next "error" in your normal life. The longer these periods of calm last, the worse it will be when the dam finally bursts. You will live in a constant fear of when the next fit will be thrown. It is not a matter of "if it happens", but rather "when it happens".
8) You are completely alone.
Because your friends have been pushed away and you hold your work associates, if you have any, at a distance, you have no emotional support system. Your family was shoved away long ago. There is no one you to which you can confide. There is no one to tell you that what's being done to you is wrong. There is no one standing beside you to hold your partner accountable. Also, no one on the outside of your relationship knows about this. Your partner is seen as a "fine upstanding specimen", and no one would believe you should you tell them.
No, I am not being sarcastic. I am, however, being truthful in that what I have written down.
No I am not screaming for help. I am healing from this, though it is slow and occasionally I run into setbacks.
No, this does not define me. It is a part of me, though, and colors my views on interpersonal interactions. (Not just "relationships", but also the ways groups communicate with other groups, as well.)
If you are reading this, and feel a need to comment, I request one thing: Be Gentle. This is very personal, very close to my heart.
Peak Disgust and Self-Loathing
(This needed out of my head, and I'm glad no one admits to reading my journal.)
I know I'm a sad sack excuse for a human being.
I must be some sort of insane biped as I don't seem to be caught up in the flood of emotion that has run amok in the US this last week. I don't feel a need to declare my acceptance of folks of color, to signal my virtue by parroting PC platitudes, or to join in a protest and "stand with George Floyd".
I must be an awful person because I don't agree with the foundational idea of "systemic racism". In fact, I must be some sort of racist bastard under a white hood for suspecting that the "race issue" isn't being perpetuated by white folks but rather a useful myth for "black leaders" to control and manipulate people.
I have to be some sort of bonkers wierdo because I don't see the point in a generalization of "all black folks need to stand together" on this issue. (All of the roughly 40,000,000 of them?) My version of "common sense" does not agree with canonizing criminals or to participating a virtual lynching of a person.
I am most certainly some sort of conspiracy theorist for laying the stereotype of the "poor, undereducated, opportunity starved, black person living in crime- and poverty-riddled public housing" at the feet of our mainstream media.
I definitely have unrealistic ideals to expect middle and upper class people "of color" to publicly distance themselves from the lower class blacks. I am very offended to be considered the equal of "white trash" individuals like Chauvin, which is why I am confused about not hearing anything like that. I must also have off-the-wall expectations to want to hear from political celebrities who actually represent Minneapolis. (Where have Ilan Omar and Amy Klobuchar been the past week?)
I know I must be some sort of black-hating racist because I believe that our "First Black President" did not do enough to quell the unrest during the eight years he was in the White House. That is made even worse because he had opportunities, but he chose to pander to the "black community".
These are, of course, the messages I have "heard" in all the shouting over the death of George Floyd. I have said that the most dangerous terrorists are those that would have us afraid of our fellow countrymen. What I have heard over the last week proves to me that they have won. The "New Normal" is not one based on COVID-19 precautions, but a fear of those with skin colors different from our own.
My $0.02 Regarding Eclipse
Pardon me for my (lack of) response. It's not "Viva Le Revolution!", but "Bloody hell, here we go again..."
There were complaints about how awful the change was the last time DA made a change and the time before that, and the time before that, and the time before that, too.
Fits were thrown, journals raged, and people displayed that they were "really, really angry." But, the membership didn't fall. Strangely enough, many of those that screamed bloody murder back then made the adjustments and are sill posting on deviantArt. (Maybe it's because those "super creative types", the ar-teests, must really go for the drama. Now I understand why the mascot on DA is a llama!)
I don't have time to research all of the reasons they want to change, but I'm sure they have reason to change. Yes, there is obviously a disconnect between the site's ownership/leadership and the users. You could say the same about many other popular platforms.
So, go ahead and throw a fit. Crank up the hyperbole to 11. Act out like an exasperated teenager. Shake your head, fist, or naked butt at the leadership. Get your catharsis!
When you're done, this'll still be here, ready for you to make the change.
February is -Black History Month-
The sarcastic answer is "Possibly, the same reason black folks don't like the police." If the overwhelming majority of your interactions with members of a group are negative, you will begin to stereotype them all as bad. Likewise, unless you work daily with folks "of color" your exposure to the "black community" is going to be mostly negative. The news loves to cover the "protests" of black people who are "offended" at statues. The media like to play up those that are complaining about racism, and the barriers to advancement seen by these people. I don't want to get started on the passion that goes into defending cherished territories, like "traditionally black neighborhoods" and the famous "Historically Black Colleges and Universities."
I guess the better answer is that "The Black Community", whatever that is, needs better Public Relations to rehabilitate their image.
That leads me to the title of this entry. I have been exposed to media that "educates" people regarding the contributions of black folks to American history. I would be more interested in hearing about people that are not the pantheon of well-known "African-Americans". Since I only hear about the same 20-30 people, I can see why colored folks think they have no culture. That idea is put to rest in a new museum opening in Nashville, 56,000 square feet of display space regarding African-American Music. (It would be very interesting to see what happens if they offered a discount admission to "folks of color".) Outside the limited scope of such presentations, my only other complaint is the message underlying the pieces. When I hear about these people, there is an implied theme of "Shame on those white folks for erecting the barriers this person overcame. Oh, and things haven't gotten any better, you know." I would prefer to hear a message of "This person did extraordinary things, so that today, you can do ordinary things. Be grateful, and build on this foundation to do even more extraordinary things."
What do I know, though? I'm just one of those oppressors they are complaining about.
My Conservative Stand...
After hearing on the radio last night's Engrossment Ceremony, where Nancy Pelosi officially signed the "Articles of Impeachment" against the President, I finally hit my breaking point. That had to be the most self-important pile of steaming BS I have ever heard from any one, Congressperson or not. I feel the need to actually write down the reasons I find this generation of Progressives/Liberals/Democrats repugnant.
First, I am divorced, and have observed almost every technique used by my estranged wife also used by the Democrats, only scaled up to the national level. I am tired of the constant barrage of falsehoods and accusations towards their opponents. I am tired of the fantasy world they seem to live in, where they get to make the rules and then change them for their own benefit. I am tired of the hyperbole and hysteria. I heard so much of that from my ex that I tune it out, and mentally lower the urgency by three notches. I am annoyed at the character assassination coupled with allies that choose to participate in furthering the slander. (The main point behind slander is not the lies, but lies told to damage another person.) Part of the reason I am no longer married is because I refused to be subjugated by a person that wanted total control, which is exactly what the Democrats want.
Secondly, I am educated and find their attitude insulting on a purely academic level. I am not the total buffoon that needs to "just get with the program." I find the intellectual arrogance displayed by "Progressives" to be the faulty cornerstone of their grab for power. Every time I hear a Democrat complain about former Republican presidents, the first thing they have to point out is their opinion that they were idiots. So, a Muslim-loving peacenik and a intern-boinking philanderer are any better? Of course, by the standard used on today's President, the latter would definitely not be "presidential". (Of course, the definition of "presidential" would be redefined for "Slick Willie" Clinton.) If you want a simple example of their arrogance, look at the title they choose for themselves. The word "progressive" implies forward motion towards something better.
Finally, I am a Believer in the Cross, and feel that the behavior of these show an obvious rejection of God. The fact that they openly accept, under the banner of "diversity", many lifestyles that are against God's commands shows they have rejected His teachings. The renaming of "illegal immigrants" to "newcomers" shows a distain for the law and proper procedure.
Do you think that they want to give all those nice things to you? They don't want you to have "free" healthcare and education, they want you to be beholden to them for those things. They want to take the place of God, providing your food, shelter and defense. That is why they are so against those that are successful and independent. When you get your free healthcare, education, defense, food supplement from them, you are giving up your dignity, your choice, and your freedom.